I got a call from my mother in law the other day.

"I ran into your older brother while I was grocery shopping. He said he loves you and they want you back. I told him I'd tell you, so just letting you know."

It was only a matter of time before someone ran into my family; we all live in the same town after all. It sounded like it was a typical uncomfortable run-in that I'd expect between my MIL and my older brother.

I would come to find out in the following days that my MIL was trying to save face for my brother. She asked my wife if he was maybe socially awkward or had trouble with public speaking. I suppose I'd say he could be awkward, but he was more deeply, tightly wound with suppressed emotion that might be presented as awkward.

After a few days, she let me know what the rest of the encounter was like:

A summary of my MIL's recount

I was looking at apples when I hear a man talking sternly and raising his voice. I just assumed it was someone one the phone because that's the only reason someone would be talking like that in a grocery store.

After a second it seemed like he was talking to me, so I looked up and it was SIL's older brother. He was looking at me all intense and kept saying "WE WANT OUR BROTHER BACK"

I froze for a second because I wasn't sure why he was telling me that. Like, I have nothing to do with any of this, I am in no way between him and his brother.

Then he said "There is nothing is is unreconcilable".

"Yes" I said.

Then he shouted at me "THERE IS NOTHING THAT IS UNRECONCILABLE".

At this point there were some employees looking at us, like it was starting to become a scene. I kept saying "yes, I agree with you".

Just kept repeating himself and at some point I told him that SIL (me) doesn't do things on a whim. He thinks things through

Then he told me again that he wanted his brother back.

I asked him "Ok - have you called or texted him and he's ignoring you or something?", because I had no idea what he expected me to do there. His face was getting red and he just repeated himself again, so I told him I would let him know and said bye.

Once I got to my car I realized that I felt very weird from that.

She said she's never had a conversation like that in her life. Never seen someone start talking at someone like that and in such strange manner. No "hello", no acknowledgment of them, just straight to shouting a demand across the aisle of apples.

A Glimpse

When I try to explain just what it is about my family that makes them difficult to be around, it's hard to put it into words. If you were to meet them, you would likely have a fine & mostly normal interaction with them. As long as you're outside their circle of what they consider family you're treated as "the world" and that usually means their behavior is generally normal.

However, once they're familiar with you, you've advanced to the next level. This means that they've found a box they think you fit and they've put you in it. They will then attempt to deal with any parts of you that don't fit in that box. That's when you'd start to see the problematic behaviors I'm talking about.

This summer will mark two years since I've seen or spoke to my parents. I'm happier than I've ever been and my mental health is better than it's ever been. Unfortunately it seems the same cannot be said about my immediate family.

A few weeks after the encounter between my older brother and my MIL, my younger brother sent me a text message. It read the following (names changed):

Text from (younger brother)

Nothing is unreconcilable. I hope (my MIL) said something to you but (my older brother) ran into her at the grocery store, ask her. We want you back, We miss you more then you think. Me and (older brother) may not watch old home videos but we sure as hell reaccount them, on a weekly basis too. We have disagreements and what not but goddamn, we're brothers yet we don't know each other, we don't know our kids. Shit needs to change, me, (older brother), dad and especially mom.. we all want you back. Sorry to bother you while your notifications were silent.

The rest of this conversation is here if you are curious

(me) I heard about that yes. I'm honestly not sure where this is coming from. At our last conversation you both said you didn't want contact with me and didn't want me around your kids as long as things weren't OK between me and our parents.

(little brother) We never said we didn't want you around our kids, I would've uninvited you from my son's shower and never have sent you a pic of him in the ICU and (older brother) wouldn't have brought his girls with them when they saw your house and land,. he told you he wanted his kids off your social media and then called you a few days or a week later to tell you that it's not just you, they don't like anyone putting their kids on social media but that he said it then at the park to be hurtful. As far as where this is coming from, dud it's coming from a place of frustration and genuine agony, as stupid as that sounds it's agonizing not to have you around, everyone misses you so much, me and (older brother) talk about you almost every single day, we reminisce on old shit... (old inside jokes/stories here). We're also frustrated and hurt because yuo cut mom and dad out of your life completely and just left us to deal with the aftermath, you can say they shouldn't show us that they're hurt or whatever but the fact is I've never seen mom and dad so broken, mom has physically aged because of this shit, you don't care but this has fucked dad up so bad. Im not saying any of this out of anger, im really not. We just miss you man, we hate what has become of this whole situation but nothing is unreconcilable. I've also just had a couple weird dreams about you and I never have dreams so it's been on my heart for awhile and I just wanted to reach out and let you know all that. We love you. Sorry for such a long text

(me) Well I tried to work with them to address very serious issues, but you know how it all ended up. I need to be clear though - they're extremely problematic and that's putting it kindly. I don't want my kids to be around them. I'm not interested in reminiscing on the past either. If you think we can rebuild a relationship ourselves then I'm willing to try, but it will have to be without out parents.

(me) Also please tell them they need to stop sending my kids stuff via (my grandparents). Not fair to them at all. They know my address, there is no reason for them to do that again

(little brother) Well that's pretty sad man, our past is what gives us a relationship, never gonna change either because we're brothers.

(me) You are free to stay in the past if you want to man

My family has all stated that they will be waiting for me when I come back. They insist that my leaving came out of nowhere and without any good reason, which is categorically false. This conversation alone provides some interesting context clues about how my brother is framing it.

The Home Videos

Growing up, my father always had his video camera out. He was rarely captured in frame if he could help it. The video camera being there for everything was a daily occurrence which, as a child, never phased me. It's honestly not too different from how everyone has a smart phone now and take pictures and videos of their kids all the time. Is it bad? Not necessarily. But there's an argument to be made that it can become unhealthy in excess.

Excess is a good way to describe my fathers approach to home videos. Not because it was inherently wrong, but because with all home videos, there was an underlying expectation of performance. In this case, my father was the sole audience member, and if he was not satisfied with your performance, you would get into trouble.

He would watch home video of us at work, in the evenings, and on the weekends. He would show his friends and family home videos of us for hours. As we got older, he would often go watch videos he took of us when we were younger and muse about wanting to remember us how we were back then. When we got into trouble as young teenagers, we were scolded for not being the same happy & energetic person we were just a few years prior.

For family events, he would "edit a video" for the family. He would spend weeks piecing together clips from all the home footage of us he'd taken and arrange them to a few songs. Everyone would watch them, and we would be the start of the show even more, whether we wanted to be or not.

Pretty much at every turn in my young adulthood life, any opposition that would sprout up between me and my father would be met with disappointment and frustration that I was straying from the path. What happened to the me that use to laugh, dance, and be happy with the family? That was the real me. This was explicitly stated by my parents - they wanted me to go back to the real me, how I was before I went through puberty.

I was married, with children, and living on my own for seven years, and even still, my parents compared me to my (single-digit) child self with desperate fervor. I use to be such a happy child, but ever since I grew up I don't give them what they want, and that upsets them very, very much.

The core expectations were centered around the fifth commandment in the Bible:

Exodus 20:12 KJV

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee

This was a very important Scripture growing up. It was the first commandment from God that came with a promise, that being a long life. Those that died young did not honor their parents. If I wanted to live to be old, I must honor my parents.

The definition of "honor" is where I believe the root of the issues. Honoring your parents means to always obey them no matter what. To never cause your parents heartache. TO never upset them, never raise your voice, never argue, never disagree. Honoring your parents means you always support them and be a good example. If you make your parents happy, you honor them. If you made your parents upset, you dishonor them.

What exactly is honor?

"Honor thy father and thy mother", we've all heard that one. However, that's not quite the correct translation.

When talking about Scripture I prefer to review the oldest original texts (in this case Hebrew) to get a better sense of the original meaning and contexts.

In this case, the word "honor" is the Hebrew word כָּבַד (kabad or kabed):

kabad or kabed: To be heavy, to be honored, to be glorified, to be burdensome

While I do think this is similar to the idea of honor in the modern sense, I believe it does not convey to original intent.

All translations of the Scripture are inherently flawed; it's the nature of human language. You should always read and study in prayer and meditation. My favorite translation for study is The Scriptures literal translation from the Institute for Scripture Research, otherwise known as the ISR translation. It reads as follows:

Exodus 20:12 KJV

Respect your father and your mother, so that your days are prolonged upon the soil which יהוה your Elohim is giving you.

Respect your father and your mother. Consider them and their words heavily. Your parents are the people best positioned to help you in life. There is a lot to learn from them, and Scripture clearly emphasizes the importance of this.

But, is it possible to disagree respectfully? How about to disobey? If you upset someone, is that disrespectful?

When you're 8 years old, I would argue there are seldom any times when disagreement with your parents is truly respectful. Disobeying, even less so. Upsetting your parents as a child happens a million times, and even then, it's subjective.

As an adult, is it any different? I feel confident that the answer is yes.